GOD IS WITH US EVEN WHEN WE ARE YELLING AT HIM
It seemed
like an ordinary day when I woke up on a Friday morning a few weeks ago. It was
a cloudy, muggy morning in Northern NJ.
But one thing was different – it was my wedding anniversary and because
of that my mood was unclear.
It became
clearer as I was preparing breakfast for myself. Twenty minutes before, I had dropped Ryan –
our second and youngest child– off at middle school so I was home alone. As I
sliced some onions and other vegetables, I could feel a range of emotions
pushing against my heart.
Most immediate was a burst of gratitude that Rich and Ryan are still living and physically in my life. As I turned the stove on, the sweet face of my oldest child – Christopher -- appeared in my mind. A smile formed at my lips and a tear slid down my cheek. How could this possibly have happened? I wondered. Sixteen years ago on that beautiful sunny day, Rich and I could never have imagined that such a tragedy would occur. And as if a key had turned and a channel in my heart had become unblocked, the tears started to fall one after another.
Most immediate was a burst of gratitude that Rich and Ryan are still living and physically in my life. As I turned the stove on, the sweet face of my oldest child – Christopher -- appeared in my mind. A smile formed at my lips and a tear slid down my cheek. How could this possibly have happened? I wondered. Sixteen years ago on that beautiful sunny day, Rich and I could never have imagined that such a tragedy would occur. And as if a key had turned and a channel in my heart had become unblocked, the tears started to fall one after another.
“I just
miss you so much,” I said out loud. Sadness
became mixed with anger, “Why did he have to die?” I shouted. “Why did You have to take him? He was only
9!” My voice was progressively rising. “Why can’t he be here?” I was now
shouting and sobbing uncontrollably. The
tears were falling so quickly, I could barely see.
And then a
scream parted from my lips. But the
sound was not my own. It reminded me of
a wounded lost animal.
After what
seemed like forever, my crying began to slow. Seeking to find an anchor, I considered going
to church, but quickly dismissed the thought as I knew I didn’t have the energy to move
much past the kitchen. Instead I called another anchor -- my
mom. Just hearing her voice and knowing
that she understood helped to ease my pain a bit. Afterwards, still seeking comfort, I decided
to watch an episode of Charmed. This
series had become my companion the months after Christopher died when I
couldn’t do much more than watch TV.
Grabbing
the remote, I sat down on the living room couch and clicked the power on. My eyes did a double-take as the program
before me was Morning Mass. How could
this be? I wondered. Pressing the information button, I saw that the station
was on Channel 10. This struck me as
strange as no one in my home watches this channel. Then in a moment of clarity, I realized I must
have turned it off on this station while channel surfing last night.
Still, it
felt like God was saying to me, “if you can’t come to Me, I will come to
you.”
Equally
surprising was that the priest was reading one of my favorite gospels – the one
about the boy and the five loaves of bread and two fishes. This reminds me of Christopher and how even
young children can impact many.
Mesmerized,
I continue to watch. In the homily, the
priest spoke of how we only need to use our two hands to do God’s work. Even the
Prayer of the Faithful felt like it spoke to me. The lecturer prayed, “For all those who have
died, may they enjoy the fullness of life with God in heaven.” Earlier I was crying about Christopher’s
death, but now they were praying for his life.
After about
15 minutes, feeling uplifted but still intent on watching Charmed, I reached
for the remote to record the Mass and change the channel to 37. But my movements
were slow and instead channel three switched on. It was a broadcast of a bible study class! Pages from the bible appeared on my screen
and the host had underlined the words “God is with you.” My skin began to tingle.
From the
window, I could see that the sun was beginning to shine outside. Inside my heart was beginning to soften and
grow lighter.
After I
finally did turn to Charmed, I took a moment to reflect on this morning’s
experiences. Perhaps if we open our
heart to the pain, we can gain some clarity to the many gifts that surround
us. And God is with us even when we are
yelling at Him.
As you know, I am so touched by your strength. Even though we don't see each other that much, you are always in my thoughts. Just this morning I was thinking of you, wondering how you are and praying for your family. I'm happy to see your writing in "print." xo Melissa
ReplyDeleteSuzanne, this is really beautiful. I do believe that God was reaching out to help you through that difficult time in a very direct way. Your ability to find the positive and be open to it amidst the pain is very inspiring, thank you for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteMelissa and Liz, thank you so much for your feedback and encouragement -- it means a lot to me!
ReplyDeleteSuzanne