GOD IS WITH US EVEN WHEN WE ARE YELLING AT HIM

It seemed like an ordinary day when I woke up on a Friday morning a few weeks ago. It was a cloudy, muggy morning in Northern NJ.  But one thing was different – it was my wedding anniversary and because of that my mood was unclear.

It became clearer as I was preparing breakfast for myself.  Twenty minutes before, I had dropped Ryan – our second and youngest child– off at middle school so I was home alone. As I sliced some onions and other vegetables, I could feel a range of emotions pushing against my heart.  


Most immediate was a burst of gratitude that Rich and Ryan are still living and physically in my life.  As I turned the stove on, the sweet face of my oldest child – Christopher -- appeared in my mind. A smile formed at my lips and a tear slid down my cheek.  How could this possibly have happened? I wondered. Sixteen years ago on that beautiful sunny day, Rich and I could never have imagined that such a tragedy would occur. And as if a key had turned and a channel in my heart had become unblocked, the tears started to fall one after another.

“I just miss you so much,” I said out loud.  Sadness became mixed with anger, “Why did he have to die?” I shouted.  “Why did You have to take him? He was only 9!” My voice was progressively rising. “Why can’t he be here?” I was now shouting and sobbing uncontrollably.  The tears were falling so quickly, I could barely see.    

And then a scream parted from my lips.  But the sound was not my own.  It reminded me of a wounded lost animal.

After what seemed like forever, my crying began to slow.  Seeking to find an anchor, I considered going to church, but quickly dismissed the thought as I knew I didn’t have the energy to move much past the kitchen.   Instead I called another anchor -- my mom.  Just hearing her voice and knowing that she understood helped to ease my pain a bit.   Afterwards, still seeking comfort, I decided to watch an episode of Charmed.  This series had become my companion the months after Christopher died when I couldn’t do much more than watch TV.

Grabbing the remote, I sat down on the living room couch and clicked the power on.  My eyes did a double-take as the program before me was Morning Mass.  How could this be? I wondered. Pressing the information button, I saw that the station was on Channel 10.  This struck me as strange as no one in my home watches this channel.  Then in a moment of clarity, I realized I must have turned it off on this station while channel surfing last night.

Still, it felt like God was saying to me, “if you can’t come to Me, I will come to you.”  

Equally surprising was that the priest was reading one of my favorite gospels – the one about the boy and the five loaves of bread and two fishes.  This reminds me of Christopher and how even young children can impact many.

Mesmerized, I continue to watch.  In the homily, the priest spoke of how we only need to use our two hands to do God’s work.  Even the Prayer of the Faithful felt like it spoke to me.  The lecturer prayed, “For all those who have died, may they enjoy the fullness of life with God in heaven.”  Earlier I was crying about Christopher’s death, but now they were praying for his life.

After about 15 minutes, feeling uplifted but still intent on watching Charmed, I reached for the remote to record the Mass and change the channel to 37. But my movements were slow and instead channel three switched on.  It was a broadcast of a bible study class!  Pages from the bible appeared on my screen and the host had underlined the words “God is with you.” My skin began to tingle.

From the window, I could see that the sun was beginning to shine outside.  Inside my heart was beginning to soften and grow lighter.

After I finally did turn to Charmed, I took a moment to reflect on this morning’s experiences.  Perhaps if we open our heart to the pain, we can gain some clarity to the many gifts that surround us.  And God is with us even when we are yelling at Him.