Below is something I experienced in the summer of 2009 that I want to share. It's quite amazing.
July 2009
It was still early when I got out of bed this morning so no one else was awake yet. I slowly pushed my feet into my slippers and went downstairs, grabbing my bible and a notepad on my way out to the deck. It felt like a long time since I last talked to God and an even longer time since I prayed outside.
Lately, I've felt such intense pain and shock. This grief is always present, but some days it feels like I'm being pushed under water. This morning was one of those days.
When I woke up today, I couldn't remember. Maybe it's just a dream, I told myself. With a feeling of hope, I thought maybe Christopher is asleep across the hall from Ryan. Then as my eyes adjusted to the light, I remembered.
Waking up is often the hardest time of day because for a second or two and if I'm lucky, a little longer, I forget. It's remembering my new reality, that is most painful. Often I want to go back to sleep where I can visit with Christopher.
Almost two years into this new life, I have learned that I HAVE to pray and seek God's help to stay afloat and find peace. Yet oddly, I do it for awhile until I feel really strong and then I get weak and skip some days or longer. That's where I'm at today.
Little did I know what was in store for me this morning.
Sitting at the outside table, I slowly opened the study guide and the related bible passage. I was struggling to find some peace and decided to repeat a study that had helped me last summer. The focus of the study -(Luke 1 26-33) was to expect the unexpected as Mary did not know she was to see the angel Gabriel that day. In the margin of the text, I noticed I had written 'Who does God come to? A boy named Christopher?'
Just then, I heard a commotion - a frenzy of birds chirping - in the yard behind the jungle gyms.
I lifted my head, but couldn't see past the grill, so I pushed my chair back and walked down into the yard. On the ground I saw two baby birds. One was motionless and didn't seem to be alive. The other was flapping its wing trying to get up. Apparently, it was just one bird who was causing all the noise -- the baby birds' mother. She was flying backing and forth and calling loudly -- it felt like she was saying, "Did you see what just happened?! My babies are hurt -- please help them! Please let them be okay!" She reminded me of a frightened, suffering mother. She reminded me of me!
Quickly, I knew I had to help this baby and its mom. But how? I wondered. The nest was too high and frankly I was afraid to touch the baby bird. But, I had to do something -- so I ran back in the house and up the stairs yelling to my husband to wake up. He barely heard me.
I knew I couldn't wait for him to wake up, so I rushed back down the stairs and into the kitchen, rummaging under the sink for some gloves. I found a thick pair of green latex gloves - the kind I used to change Christopher's dressing. Grabbing the gloves, I hurried back out to the chirping baby bird.
Squatting down, I cradled my hands, preparing to pick up the bird. Its wing flicked the back of my finger and I jumped back and froze. "I can't do this," I said out loud. I'm not even a pet person, I thought. Feeling flushed and uncertain what to do, I called out, "Christopher, please help me honey." Then trying to muster up some courage, I said to myself,"YOU ARE A MOTHER. YOU CAN DO THIS. So I bent back down and carefully picked up the baby bird. Standing on my tippy toes, I reached up over my head and placed the bird in its nest. I stepped back and breathed, whispering, "Thanks, sweetie."
Once back on the the deck, the momma bird's agonizing call started up again. It sounded like she was mourning her baby that was still on the ground.
Back on my deck chair, I reflected:
1) it was amazing how similar this momma bird was to me.
2)it was as if God was showing me that as weak as I felt, I am still strong, and that I am not alone in my suffering.
3) In the margin of the study, I had also previously written , that the angel appeared to Mary when she was alone. So often I seek to fill my day with busyness to escape feeling the pain. In doing so, there is little to no time left to see God.
It was amazing that I was present to all of this. What if I had just stayed in bed this morning? I would have missed all of this. It made me think - imagine what we can experience if we just take the time.